Head Cannon #4: Kingdom (False) Starts

Posted on Wednesday, January 25 @ 14:00:00 PST by Matt_Utley

This is a big week for video games. Resident Evil 7 has been receiving so much praise for bringing back the horror that I am happy to announce that I will probably never finish it. Then there is Yakuza 0, which is already shaping up to be my GOTY contender after having played all of twenty minutes. Yeah, it’s that good.

In the middle of my joyous rump-shaking celebration (which I do every Tuesday because Tuesday is New Video Game Day) I discovered that one more game was entering into the fold this week. A game that, like all of its predecessors, was so pretentiously obtuse in name it distracted from the fact that it is just a remake with a hint of new story. I am of course referring to Kingdom Hearts HD II.8 Final Chapter Prologue.

Stop it, Kingdom Hearts.

Stop making needless remakes of needless half-sequels that only further complicates my caffeine-addled brain by combining Roman numerals and decimal points. Don’t you understand? I’ve outgrown you. Not because of your chibi-fied Disney characters or your sweet-as-saccharine J-Pop compositions. No, I’ve outgrown you because I’m fed up with waiting for Kingdom Hearts 3 and your silly naming attempts are only a distraction from the fact that you have no idea what you’re doing with the franchise.

There. I’ve said it.

With Kingdom Hearts 3 just two Utada Hikaru songs away from being vaporware, I’ve come up with some ideas for the franchise that could distract the cosplay-loving, Annual Passholder-wielding fanboys and fangirls just long enough for Tetsuya Nomura to peace out with all of that sweet Disney cash. They’re not good ideas, but couldn’t the same be said of Kingdom Hearts as a whole?

Idea 1:

Nintendo has been running the motorized kart game for too long. It’s time for Disney and Square Enix to capitalize on the strengths of their own IPs. Kingdom Heart’s knack for loosely connected worlds and frustrating combat is a perfect fit for some four-wheeled fun with friends. Race through Aladdin’s Agrabah while throwing Keyblades at your opponent’s wheels. Corner the tight turns of Halloweentown while you try and remind your friends just how good that movie was. Play as series favorite Cloud Strife (available as Paid DLC!). The battle for Keyblade Cup begins in Kingdom Karts.

Idea 2:

Sora, Riku and Agent 47 walk into a bar. Mickey Mouse is pouring shots for Tifa’s bachelorette party in the back. Goofy has to be escorted out by Donald because he’s too goofed up to drive. Mickey asks the group, “What’ll it be?” and does that laugh thing he does whenever he finishes a sentence. Riku orders a whiskey, neat. Sora thinks for a minute before ordering milk, drawing stares from the rest of the bar. Agent 47 orders the usual.

They walk over to the other side of the bar. Squall is staring into an empty glass while a scantily clad Moogle walks by with Jell-O shots. Agent 47 walks over to the wall before turning around to address the Sora and Riku.

“Gentlemen,” he says. “Who’s up for a game of Kingdom Darts?”

Idea 3:

While not much of a sport overseas, football is big business in the United States. Big business that a company like Disney can definitely relate to. Imagine playing as teams based on your favorite Disney franchises. Teams based on your favorite Final Fantasy series. And one team that’s just Sephiroth and his giant sword. Goodness knows I’ve always wanted to tackle Sora for being a floppy-shoed little punk that just couldn’t stay on that island and be happy. Or was that Riku? Who knows except for the moderators of KH forums and fansites? Anyway, watch out Madden! This fall Disney and Square Enix will be bringing the pigskin with Kingdom Yards.

Idea 4:

The world has fallen into Darkness. With the Keyblades gone, there is no hope for the Mickey and friends.


Japanese pop singer Utada Hikaru arrives in Traverse Town with a proposal. Sora, Donald and Goofy must enter The Tournament of Songs. Those who can wield the power of popular Disney Sing-Alongs and Kingdom Hearts-inspired J-Pop will compete for the Golden Mickey Ears, which are said to unlock...I don’t know, something important to the KH franchise. Microphones in hand, can Sora, Donald and Goofy sing their way to the top of the Kingdom Charts?

Idea 5:

Kingdom Farts. Title says it all.

Why I’ve decided to share these ideas with you, readers, instead of capitalizing on their instantaneous money-making potential is a question for my lawyers. I gave up my hopes on this franchise long before they started making me use algebraic functions to decipher their titles. My hope now is that at least some of us can have a laugh with these silly, stupid rhymes.